


Look, The Cherry Blossoms Has Bloomed

by zeon_avalanthe



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-16 19:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4637646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeon_avalanthe/pseuds/zeon_avalanthe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He finally find his happiness. But will his happiness last? Or will the nightmare of his past haunt him and ruin his happiness?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [boobooyt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/boobooyt/gifts).



It is a work of fate, although he was never one to believe in such words.

He never wanted this. All of these. When he returned to this town after years, he never expected this to happen. He never expected things to go _this_ way.

Or not.

Perhaps deep inside him, he knew this would have happened sooner or later. Perhaps, that was why he came back. He just never knew he would fall this deep, or that it would feel this painful.

“This is my atonement.”

He whispered this to no one. Gripping the piece of paper in his hands tightly, he closed his eyes. And, so, he lets go.

***

Yuto heaved a deep sigh as he shuffled inside the small sophisticated bar he came across, before finding an empty seat and plopped himself down. He never thought job-hunting would be a tough job.

Loosening the knot of his tie, Yuto gave a weak smile to the bartender who greeted him with a polite smile while offering a small hand towel.

“Welcome to Bar Eden Hall. May I take your order, Sir ?”

“I’ll have whatever you recommend.” He told the bartender absentmindedly while he scanned the bar’s interior.

Few customers are lined on his further left –a young lady and a middle-aged man-, seemingly talking animatedly to another bartender who laughed crisply at what the woman had said. On the more private side behind the counter he was sitting on, sat a couple who seemed to enjoy their night while drinking cocktails. The place itself held this cozy and warm feeling, and Yuto is sure the place is popular despite it’s currently lack of customers. After all, Yuto came at a weird time. Most of the customers must have left already.

“Here is your drink, Sir. A glass of Take Five.” The bartender’s voice brought Yuto back from his reverie. Seemingly noticing the wonder in Yuto’s face, the bartender continued, “While it’s a drink related to music, it also has another meaning. That is for you to take a five-minutes break, a proper time to enjoy a glass of drink.”

That was when Yuto looked up to see the bartender properly. Facing him with the most angelic smile Yuto ever saw, is a young man looking barely in his twenties. His carefully-arranged brown hair seemed to match perfectly with his red wine vest over his white shirt.

“I can see that you’re stressed and in need of a short break, Sir. That’s why I thought a glass of Take Five would be good for you.” The young man added with another smile.

Yuto answered the bartender’s smile with one of his own. Carefully lifting the glass to his lips, he took a sip to the brownish-coloured drink and felthis body relaxed immediately.

“It’s delicious.” Yuto told the young man softly. “May I ask for your name ?”

“It’s Ryosuke, Sir. Yamada Ryosuke.” The young man answered with a short bow.

“Yamada-kun.” Yuto tasted the name with his own lips. “My name is Nakajima Yuto. It was nice meeting you.”

“My pleasure, Sir.”

***

It had become a habit of Yuto to visit Eden Hall every Friday nights. Especially after the long week of fruitless job-hunting, Yuto found his time in Eden Hall like a little reward for himself after getting through another week of stressful days. To support his living, Yuto took several part-time jobs, and although they’re nothing big, the earnings allow him to survive and even enjoy a little luxury of drinking at Eden Hall.

“I just don’t know anymore. No offices would hire me around. Perhaps, I will just work part-time for life and give up being a salaryman.” Yuto told Yamada one day.

“It seems tough at your side, Nakajima-san.” Yamada made a little face as he prepared the drink.

“Yeah. You’re lucky to have found your passion early and work your way through it. I don’t have such thing so my only hope, aside from part-timing, is being a salaryman.” With a deep sigh, Yuto leaned forward, watching Yamada’s hand stir the mixture of drink carefully.

“A Whisper for you, Sir.” Yamada slide the glass over to him. “In a bar, there is this rule to never speak so loudly. Do you know why is that, Nakajima-san ?”

Yuto shook his head, as his eyes scanned the beautiful-looking concoction in front of him.

“So you can have a conversation with yourself.” Yamada told him gently.

“A conversation with myself ?” Yuto looked up and frown.

“Yes.” Yamada nodded his head. “Sometimes, when you are faced with a problem in life, all you have to do is to have a conversation with yourself and find the answer within you. If people around you speak too loud, you might have lost that voice inside of you.”

“I see.” Yuto hummed as he picked up the glass.

“I’m sure the answer to your current predicament also lies within you, Nakajima-san. All you have to do is to listen to that whisper that came from within you. Find something you really love. And enjoy them.”

“To listen to my inner voice, eh ?” Yuto whispered softly while lifting the glass to his lips. “Thank you, Yamada-kun. I will remember that.”

***

Yuto had thought that he enjoyed talking to Yamada at Eden Hall because the young man possessed maturity and wisdom which surpassed his age. Yamada knew many varieties of things, from poems and french cuisines to musical instruments and medical idioms. And to think that Yamada is a few years younger than himself (Yuto being twenty-eight and Yamada twenty-three)! Yuto is always amazed at how the young man spoke and explained things to him. And as a plus point, the drink he make is always outstandingly delicious.

But later on, he figured out that he simply enjoyed the man’s company and that has nothing to do with his personality nor the drinks he made.

“Yamada-kun ?”

“Nakajima-san ?”

It is a pleasing coincidence for Yuto to meet Yamada on his visit to the bookstore one Wednesday. Yuto is looking for his favourite music magazine, while Yamada seemingly went to buy a few of newly-released manga. The two of them talked about their respective choice of books, and Yuto was amused to find a cheerful and excited Yamada for a change. After all, the young man always showed his professional composed look everytime he visited Eden Hall.

“It’s lunch-time already. How about you have a meal with me and continue our conversation there ? My treat.” Yuto offered the young man as they exited the bookstore.

“Eh ? But that would be rude of me..” Yamada looked hesitant.

“Nonsense! I just received my pay-check so you don’t have to be worried!” Yuto told him with a huge smile on his face. “Come on! I know this restaurant who has the best ramen in town. And I wouldn’t accept a no!”

“If you insist then.” Yamada bowed apologetically before following Yuto inside the restaurant.

“Why did you move to this town, Nakajima-san?” Yamada asked while they waited for their orders.

“I originally came from this town, you know. But things happened and I had to leave this town. For a few years, I lived by myself, simply spending my days meaninglessly. Until something happened and I decided to move back to the town that raised me.” Yuto told the young man truthfully.

“Something happened? May I know what it is ?” Yamada asked, curiousity filled his voice.

“I just--suddenly remembered of the things I left unfinished when I was last here.” A small smile framed Yuto’s face, eyes misty as he looked back at the years behind him. To the dark past he wished was not his.

_‘We’re the bottomline of society, Yuto. It’s our fate.’_

“Enough about me. How about you, Yamada-kun? Tell me about yourself.” Yuto shook his head to push the memories behind him, flashing a smile and focusing his attention at Yamada instead.

“I’m nothing special, really.” Yamada said with a shrug. “Masaki-kun, the owner of Eden Hall, is my Uncle, and he’d taken care of me since I was a little boy. Perhaps, that was the main influence as to why I wanted to be a bartender.”

“Where are your parents ?” Yuto asked again, giving the waitress a small thanks as she delivered their ramen.

“My parents died when I was seven years old.” Yamada told him softly. “They were murdered.”

An awkward silence fell between them as soon as those words left Yamada’s mouth. Yuto felt something stirred inside him, and the look on Yamada’s eyes doubled that feeling. He felt like a complete jerk for asking such an insensitive reason and mentally slapped himself for that.

“Yamada-kun? Uh, I- uhm, I’m sorry. I- I shouldn’t have asked.” Stumbling over his words, Yuto scratched the back of his head in shame.

“Don’t be, Nakajima-san.” Yamada lift his head, his smile returning. “It was years ago. I’m over it already. And besides, wherever they are, I know my parents are watching over me.”

Yuto replied with a smile. “Yeah. I’m sure they are.”

But for some weird reason, the nasty feeling never left Yuto, even long after he bid his goodbye from Yamada. Even long after the day changed into night and Yuto is already on top of his bed yet the sleep refuse to come soon. And after what felt like hours lying motionlessly there with his dark ceiling as the only view, Yuto finally closed his eyes.

***

_Everything is cold. The pavement he sat at, the wall he leaned on, the passing breeze even his skin felt cold. But he has nowhere else to go to. He has no other place where he_ _could cuddle under the warm and cozy blanket with a mug of hot chocolate in hands and a pair of soft arms that would caress his hair comfortingly, gently lulling him to a deep and peaceful_ _sleep._

_No. No more. He’s all alone now. And the only thing he has is the piece of torn clothes which barely covered his thin and battered body anymore. He’s alone. He’s homeless. He’s but a piece of junk that no one even bothered to look at._

_He’s dead._

_“Poor young man. Sitting outside on this cold winter by yourself? Will you come with me then? I will give you a new home, a new family.”_

_He was too dazed and confused. He could barely catch the words this man is saying. But he’s seeing light for the very first time in a while. He’s seeing light and he refused to let it go. And so he took the hand that would lead him out from the hell he’d been living. To his new home. His new family._

_“What’s your name, boy ?”_

_He looked up slowly. From their interwinted hands, to the long arm coated in smooth black fabric, to the hard face framed with a long scar on the cheek, and that cold yet calming grey eyes which is twinkling at him –waiting for an answer._

_“Yuto. My name is Yuto.”_

_“Just Yuto ?”_

_He nodded his head. “Yes. Just Yuto.”_

_“Well, Yuto, I’m Nakajima Atsushi. And from today on, you are Nakajima Yuto. My son.”_

_“Your son?”_

_A thin smile, almost invisible, made it’s way through the man’s face and he’s awed by the way the wind made the man’s jetblack hair flow._

_“Yes, Yuto. You’re my son now.”_

*End Of Chapter 1*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bartender setting was shamelessly taken from Bartender drama (in which I used Aiba himself as the owner of Bar Eden Hall instead of the character he portrays for the drama, and Jun just because he made a special cameo there)
> 
> The few mentioned drinks were also taken (or inspired) from the drinks which made an appearance at the drama.. I'm not a bartender so please forgive me if I named the drinks (and the how-to) wrongly..
> 
> Thank you!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He finally find his happiness. But will his happiness last? Or will the nightmare of his past haunt him and ruin his happiness?

Yuto and Yamada had started going out outside the bar more often after that first coincidence meeting at the bookstore. Yuto would invite Yamada for some meals or movies, while Yamada would sometimes take him to that newly established cafes or sometimes the zoo. Yuto learnt that aside from being a _shoujo manga_ lover, Yamada also liked cute things and animals. He thought it was a little weird for a man to visit a cafe (since it’s normally a place where girls gathers), but he found out that it somehow fits Yamada’s image perfectly.

From the frequent meetings they have, Yuto also noticed that Yamada’s smile (the free and excited smile rather than the professional smile he normally wears) is the cutest thing in the world. He pointed it out at Yamada and the young man immediately blushed, which only made him cuter. He started calling him Yama-chan from then, telling the young man that a cute nickname is only proper for a cute guy like him. He had insisted to the young man that he should call him by his given name, too, since Nakajima-san sounded too formal to him eventhough he’d already reached that age. Yamada had agreed in the end, still being reluctant, and insisted that the honorific remains just because.

“Yuto-san, congratulations on getting a permanent contract at the music academy !”

Yuto felt his lips moving to a wide grin at the congratulary words he received from the younger man.

“It’s all thanks to you, Yama-chan.” Yuto gave the man a smile.

“But I did nothing?” Yamada looked at him with confusion.

“That one night, when you served me Whisper and told me to listen to my inner voice, that was when I decide to pursue for the job I truly loved. Music had always been my passion, that’s why I took some part-time jobs related to music. I’m only teaching little kids some instruments right now, but I’m closer to what I love.” Yuto explained with a contented sigh. “If you hadn’t said those words to me that night, I would have missed the moment and would still be pursuing the job to be a salaryman. That’s why, it’s thanks to you that I get to do something I love.”

A shy look is plastered on Yamada’s face. “I was just doing my job, Yuto-san.”

“I know you were.” Yuto agreed with the young man. “And for that, I’m thankful.”

Yamada smiled again at him. “How about I present you a glass of drink tonight ?”

“Really ?” Yuto’s eyes sparkled.

“Of course.”

Yamada gave a little bow before fetching the necessary bottles for the drink. Yuto watched on how Yamada swiftly shook the shaker in his hands, before pouring the drink into the cocktail glass.

“This is an original strawberry cocktail. The name is Friday Memories.”

Sliding the glass over to Yuto’s front, Yamada gave the man a smile.

“May happiness always lie ahead of you.”

***

One Friday when Yuto visited Eden Hall as usual, he frowned when he couldn’t catch a sight of Yamada anywhere. He sat by his usual seat nevertheless, and Aiba-san, the owner-slash-Yamada’s Uncle immediately greeted him with a bow.

“Welcome, Nakajima-san. What would you like to drink tonight ?” The man asked him politely.

“A Mojito please.” Yuto gave the man his order.

“I understand. Indeed in a hot summer like now, a cold and refreshing Mojito is a great choice. As expected of Nakajima-san.” Aiba-san narrated briefly before fetching the white rum bottle from behind him. Yuto watched how Aiba-san muddled the mint leaves with the lime juice and sugar, before adding the white rum and topped it with soda water and a few ice cubes. He then added a lime wedge on the side of the glass before serving it to Yuto. “A refreshing Mojito for Nakajima-san.”

“Thank you.” Yuto thanked the man with a smile. “Anyway, where’s Yamada-kun ?”

Aiba-san gave him a knowing smile, as if he had expected Yuto to ask the question, before answering. “Unfortunately, he can’t come to work tonight because he feels a little under the weather. Ryosuke has never been in good terms with summer since young, especially when the temperature is high like today.”

“He’s sick?” Yuto asked again, a worried line forming on his forehead.

“Yes.” Aiba-san answered softly. “But it’s nothing bad, I assure you. He only needs to lie down for a while and let the heat pass. He’ll be back to his feet before you know it.”

“I see.” Yuto replied dejectedly, he had expected to enjoy tonight’s drink with a little chat with Yamada.

“Would you like to visit him, Nakajima-san ?” Aiba-san suddenly spoke, that smile returning to his face.

“But, wouldn’t it inconvenience Yamada-kun if I were to suddenly drop by?” Yuto hesitated.

“Of course it won’t. And beside you’d be doing me a favor.” Aiba-san told him. “I’ve been wanting to pay him a visit after closing the bar, but my wife has the night shift tonight so I have to be home to watch over my boy. I asked Ryosuke to spend the night at our house, but he had refused, telling me he doesn’t want to give Kazu his cold.”

“I never knew that you’re married!” Yuto exclaimed with a surprised look. “And I thought that Yamada-kun is still staying at your house?”

Aiba-san let out a crisp laugh before answering, “Ryosuke moved out a couple of years ago when I got married. He told me that he didn’t want to catch us doing stuffs when he took his midnight trip to the bathroom. Shoko and I didn’t want him to leave though, we were a little worried because no one will be able to watch over him anymore. But he insisted that he’s not a kid anymore, and that he needed the indepedence.” Wiping the table on Yuto’s left, Aiba-san continued, “And of course you wouldn’t know. I’ve never talked about any of those to you, and you never asked. I assumed that you know already, forgetting the fact that you’re new to town.”

Yuto nodded his head in agreement. He knew that Aiba-san didn’t mean to keep it a secret, but Yuto was just a little surprised because the man doesn’t show that married-man aura at all.

“Here is his address if you’d decided to drop by.” Aiba-san hands over a piece of paper, with Yamada’s address and his room’s number. “Tell him my regards if you do.”

“Thank you, Aiba-san.” Yuto told the man as he stood up. “How much for the Mojito ?”

“No need. It’s in the house. As a thank you for taking care of my nephew.” Sending Yuto a wink, Aiba-san half-ushered him out already, and Yuto could only laugh nervously at his antics.

***

It appears that Yamada is having a really bad time with summer, because a second after he opened the door for Yuto, he immediately fell to his arms. Yuto, in his panicked state, picked Yamada up as he removed his shoes and closed the door behind him before running to find his bedroom and placing him back to bed. Yuto felt the boy’s temperature as his forehead creased in worry. He wrapped the young man with his comforter and chuckled softly at how Yamada snuggled cutely under his blanket.

His amusement, though, fell short at seeing the young man shivered despite the fever and the many layers of blanket on top of him. Yuto heaved a long sigh before tracing his way back into the doorway to pick up his fallen bag and wear the forgotten indoor slipper. Walking back into the house, Yuto found his way to the kitchen and scanned the contents of the refrigerator. Yamada cooks for himself, was what he told Yuto the other day, so the fridge has proper food materials for him to cook a simple warm miso soup. Silently asking Yamada for his permission, Yuto then began his mission of cooking.

It was past midnight and Yuto wascurrently reading some news on the internet in Yamada’s livingroom, when he heard shuffling sound from Yamada’s room. Tiptoe-ing his way to the young man’s room–just in case Yamada is still asleep-he found the said man sitting on his bed in a daze, the towel Yuto placed on his forehead his lap.

“Yama-chan? You’re awake?” He asked softly as he approached the man on the bed.

“Who?”

At the question that slipped past Yamada’s lips, Yuto kind of figured out that the man is not actually fully awake yet and that it’s just his fever talking.

“It’s me, Yuto. Come. Let’s go back to sleep, Yama-chan.” He said softly as he gently pushed the man back to lie on the bed.

“No!” But Yamada is suddenly trashing around as soon as his hands touched his shoulder, tears streaming down the man’s face. “Let me go! Please!” He cried.

Surprised was an understatement. Yuto never expected Yamada to behave like this, even if he’s sick and is not aware of himself.

“Yama-chan..” Yuto cooed. “Calm down, please! It’s me, Yuto! I won’t hurt you!”

“No! Please!” But Yamada only fought him more. Even with his current weakened state, he’s strong enough to push Yuto away. “Please! I want Mummy and Daddy! Please don’t take them away!”

And that’s when it clicked.

Yamada –because of his fever, left his mind unguarded and the bad dreams are haunting him right now. And from what Yuto could catch, the nightmare was from when he lost his parents.

“Oh, Yama-chan…” Yuto did the first thing thatcrossed his mind, and that is to pull the man to his chest, engulfing him with his arms to tell him that he’s safe, ignoring the protest Yamada attempted.

“No! Let me go! Please, let me go!” Yamada threw a few weak punches at Yuto’s chest, crying harder as he tightened his grip around his shivering figure.

“Please! Please, don’t take Mummy and Daddy away…” Perhaps Yamada has exhausted himself, because the punches had gone weaker and less consistent, and his voice has quietened down. “Please, don’t leave me alone…”

And that’s when Yuto felt Yamada’s body fall limp in his arms, as he returned back to his hopefully dreamless sleep. Yuto stayed that way for a little while, as if afraid the man would start breaking down once more if he moved away. So Yuto stayed. Hands never stopped stroking Yamada’s back gently, sending him a silent message that he won’t go anywhere, that he won’t leave him alone. Because Yuto knows the solitude of being with no one but himself better than anyone else. Of the bitterness and darkness and the evil of this world.

And Yuto silently made a vow to himself that night, that he will protect Yamada from those all, no matter what.

***

“Yuto-san? Why are you here?” Yamada asked in confusion, clearly not remembering on how Yuto could get inside his apartment.

“I came to visit you last night. And when you opened the door, you suddenly fainted on me.” Explained Yuto as he approached the man by the bed. He was re-heating the soup he made last night when he heard noises from Yamada’s room and came to check and that’s how he he found Yamada already awake.

“I did?” Yamada asked again, his face contorted in puzzlement.

“Yes, you did.” Yuto told him with a smile. “I was worried, and I don’t have the heart to leave you alone like that, so I invited myself in. You don’t like it ?”

Yamada made a face, signaling Yuto that he’s still processing Yuto’s words, before his expression relaxed.

“It’s nothing like that, Yuto-san. It’s just- I’m sorry if I had worried you.” Yamada said after a while.

“Nah, don’t mind it.” Yuto shook his head slowly. “How are you feeling now? Are you hungry? I made some soup from your fridge, if you don’t mind.”

“I’m feeling better now. And yes, please, I’m a little bit hungry.” Yamada said with a smile. “Thank you, Yuto-san. For taking care of me.”

***

Yuto began to question his feeling towards Yamada after that night he spent taking care of the younger man. At first he thought he only saw the man as a good companion, an understanding friend, one he enjoys spending his time with. But after that night, as of lately, Yuto began to notice that something has changed. He felt a weird fluttering inside his stomach whenever he sees Yamada smiling at him, and a pang of something akin to jealousy (because Yuto refused to admit that he’s actually jealous) whenever that smile was directed to someone else.

More over, Yuto caught himself watching over Yamada’s simplest movement keenly now. On how those brown orbs sparkled as he explained the meaning behind one drink or on how those lips pursed in concentration as he carefully poured the wine over the glass or on how those squishy cheeks would reddened in satisfaction at one completed concoction. He even remembers the way Yamada walks and could now predict when Yamada will broke into a smile from his gestures.

“What am I? A love-sick high schooler ?”

“You sure are, judging from how you keep on sighing and talking to yourself.”

Yuto quickly turn only to see Inoo–the piano teacher at the Music Academy he’s in and also his bestfriend at the academy--smirking at him mischievously.

“Well, I can’t blame you though. People often doubt their own feelings and tend to do something foolish when faced with love. Trust me, I’ve been there.” Inoo commented with a shrug before proceeding to his seat on Yuto’s left, storing the music sheets on his hands to the small drawer on his desk.

“So you’re assuming that I’m actually in love ?” Yuto asked, dumb-struck.

Inoo gave him another shrug. “It’s just me saying though. You’re the one who has the real answer after all.”

A long sigh left Yuto’s lips as he leaned on his chair. “Am I really in love?” He asked more to himself rather than to Inoo.

“Well, you have to look deeper into your heart to find out.” Inoo told him nonchalantly as he packed his things. “I don’t have much time to listen to your romantic problem though. I have something to do after this.”

Yuto took a side glance and saw Inoo almost rushing out.

“A date with Dai-chan again?”

“It’s our anniversary.” Inoo told him, mouth producing a small contented smile.

For some reason, looking at how things can go so smoothly between Inoo and Daiki made Yuto somehow jealous. Of course, the two faced some fights and troubles along the way too, but they always managed to stand through them all and stay strong together. Yuto wish he had someone to share his life with like them. Yuto wish that person is Yamada.

“Oh, God! I swear I don’t just-!” Yuto buried his face in his arms at the thought. “Oh my, I’m seriously in love, aren’t I?”

***

Meeting Yamada after the great realization was unbelievably hard. Yuto somehow always found an excuse to decline Yamada’s offer to have a meal together and stricted their meeting to once in a week only through his weekly visit to Eden Hall. And even so, Yuto still couldn’t help the awkwardness from the simple act of sharing a greeting with Yamada.

The younger man, as observant as always, immediately noticed the change in his attitude. He asked subtly, as if careful not to create any further damage to their strained relationship, as to why Yuto suddenly drifted away. And when Yuto couldn’t give him a proper answer –only stumbling some incoherent words as a response- Yamada let out a sigh and move back dejectedly.

It was then when Aiba-san asked Yamada to do some errand, and as the man left walking closer to where Yuto sat with a black cup in hand.

“Want to play some game with me, Nakajima-san ?” He asked swiftly, lips curving up to a gentle smile.

“A game? What game?” Yuto asked back as his eyes darted between Aiba-san’s smile and the suspicious black cup in his hands.

“It’s called dice-stacking.” Aiba-san told him while he drop five red dice from inside the cup onto the table and arrange it in one vertical line. “As bartenders, we sometimes practice with this to learn how to handle a shaker- it makes our wrists more flexible.”

“And what does it has to do with me ?” Yuto asked again, a frown on his face.

Aiba-san shot him another smile before taking the arranged dice one by one under the cup and shook it with practiced ease. After a few seconds, he stop his movement and lifted the cup to reveal three dice stacked with the other two being the tower’s foundation.

“No way !” Yuto exclaimed softly under his breath.

“The chance of these five dice to stack up in one column come once every thirty tries, I’d say. But won’t you take the bet ? Rather than not trying and losing, I believe we’ll come to term better by taking the risk and losing.” Aiba-san said, as if daring Yuto to take the bet. “In my next shake, if I could stack the five of them in one column, you will tell Ryosuke how you really feel.”

Yuto looked up and stared at the man in surprise. He never thought the man will see through him like that. But Aiba-san only offered a knowing smile before he took the re-arranged dice under the cup once again and start shaking.

The bet Aiba-san offered left Yuto thinking though. Before he could stop himself, Yuto already made the bet inside himself.

 _‘If the dice won’t stack up, then I will give up this feeling forever. But if by chance the dice do stack up, then I will go for it.’_ Yuto thought to himself, staring at the cup intently. _‘Stack up !’_

“You know, Nakajima-san, I think people sometimes pretend to be lost. Because we’re a coward, we can’t be honest to ourselves, and rely on God instead.” Aiba-san suddenly said as his hand comes to a halting stop and he looked straight into Yuto’s eyes. “When all we need is but a small courage.”

Yuto felt like a punch just been delivered to his stomach. Aiba-san was right. Yuto was just struggling out of his own fear. He was too coward to do or say anything.

“I’m opening it up, Nakajima-san.”

“Wait!” Yuto stop the man, suddenly feeling a surge of adrenaline running through his vein. “I’ll go and tell Ryosuke how I really feel.” He said while rushing his way out of the bar.

Unbeknownst to him, as he left the bar, Matsumoto-san –another bartender working at Eden Hall- came from behind Aiba-san and snorted.

“You failed on the first try on purpose. You could do the trick even with your eyes closed.”

And just as he said so, Aiba-san lifted the cup to show the perfectly stacked up five dice.

“It’s our job to give our customers a little courage.” Aiba-san told him as he collected the dice and cup to store it back to the cupboard.

“You and your ideals. Sometimes I can’t understand you, Aiba-chan.” Matsumoto-san heaved a sigh before approaching a calling customer.

“You don’t have to, MatsuJun. You only have to love me and that’s enough.” Aiba-san let out a huge grin as he comes to yet another customer.

“Gross!” Matsumoto-san hissed as he stared at Aiba-san’s face in horror who, in return, only laughed.

“Let’s hope everything turned out well for the two lovebirds.”

***

Yuto almost crashed into Yamada on his run from Eden Hall. Yamada, who seemed surprised at first, quickly came back to his senses and asked Yuto what’s wrong and whether he’s alright or not.

“Yama-chan! There’s something I have to tell you!” Yuto ignoreed his question and gripped onto Yamada’s shoulders tightly instead.

“Yuto-san?” Yamada looked back at him, eyes unsure.

“I love you!”

Yamada said nothing for a long while, eyes widened in surprise and body frozen under Yuto’s hold. Upon seeing Yamada’s unchanging facial expression, Yuto began to regret his action, fearing that Yamada might not feel the same.

“I- I’m sorry ! I must- I must have shocked you !” Yuto released Yamada nervously. “I- It’s not like I wanted to ask you out or anything, but-I-please just forget everything I just said!” He shouted in the end, unable to meet Yamada’s eyes.

“Yuto-san-“ Yamada said after the long silence, and his voice urging Yuto to brave himself and look at Yamada once more. And there, the angelic smile he fell in love with. “Thank you for telling me the truth. I-“

The words that came from Yamada’s mouth is like a dagger stabbing right into his heart. Yuto knows this. The ‘thank you’ at the beginning was just an attempt to reject him as politely as he could. Yuto really doesn’t want to hear the continuation of this.

“I love you too.”

See? Yuto knows this is coming. He knows that Yamada would certainly said I lo-

“You do?”

Yamada only nodded his head shyly, his cheeks as red as tomatoes.

“Yama-chan...” Yuto finally released the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Thank you.”

He threw his arms around the smaller man and pulled him into a tight embrace.

***

“So the reason why you were so awkward during those weeks was because you didn’t know how to face me after realizing that you loved me?”

Yuto gave a lazy nod as his right hand kept on caressing Yamada’s brown locks gently.

“How silly! And I thought you were supposed to be the older one!” Yamada let out a crisp laugh and Yuto couldn’t stop a smile from forming on his lips.

They’re at Yamada’s apartment now. Simply lounging around and catching up with each others’ life during Yuto’s denial period. Yamada confessed that he had realized his feeling towards Yuto long before Yuto realized his own. But when Yuto prompted the question as to why Yamada didn’t make a move on him earlier, Yamada only threw him a pillow to his face.

“Oh, God ! I can’t believe I just dated the densest man in the world !” Yamada exclaimed dramatically as he moved away his head from Yuto’s lap to sit properly. “I’m hungry. You want to eat something, Yuto-kun ?”

Yuto felt a grin on his lips at Yamada’s newly-used honorific in calling him. He had wanted the younger man to simply call him Yuto or find a special nickname for him, but hearing the word ‘Yuto-kun’ coming from Yamada’s mouth sounded special already to him. It made his heart beat race.

“Anything you cook is delicious--.” Come to think of it, Yuto has to start calling Yamada with his given name by now. “Ryosuke.”

The man only blushed at the call before standing up and half-running to the kitchen to do the chore.

Yuto feels like he’s the happiest man alive.

***

_“Wha-? But I don’t want to do it ! I can’t !”_

_Yuto looked up at the man he thought as his own father in fear._

_“Of course you can, Yuto. That’s the purpose of your training these past few months.” The man told him calmly, a cigar in hand._

_“But, but I thought- ? You never said anything about this ! No, I don’t want to do it. I won’t.”_

_The table on the man’s right suddenly broke as he slammed on it hard, face fuming._

_“It’s not an offer, Yuto. It’s an order. And as my_ son _, you have to obey me and do as I say. If you refuse, than it’s game over for you. You’re no longer needed and we will throw you away like a piece of junk you are. Am I clear, Yuto ?”_

_Yuto could feel every cell in his body freeze. He’s too terrified to move or to say anything. He can’t even bring himself to look at the man straight in the eye. This is not how he expected life would be after this man saved him from his hell. This is not what he wanted._

_“Yuto?”_

_“Yes. I understand, Father.”_

*End Of Chapter 2*


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He finally find his happiness. But will his happiness last? Or will the nightmare of his past haunt him and ruin his happiness?

Life after they turned official, unexpectedly, doesn’t change that much from their usual routine. A few dinners, some visits to places they wanted to go to, and Yuto’s weekly visit to Eden Hall. But now they will exchange shy glances every once in a while, brushing each others’ hand while they walk side-by-side (until eventually Yuto gave in and took Yamada’s palm into his), and a few fluttering kisses and affectionate hugs. When he told Inoo one day, his senior simply commented that they have dated long before they realized their own feelings, bringing a deep blush to Yuto’s cheeks.

“But aren’t you happy? Things went smoothly for the both of you. You’re lucky you don’t have to go through the awkward phase in a relationship.” The older man said at last, giving Yuto a peace of mind. “I’ve been friends with Dai-chan since forever. And when we came to terms with our feelings for each other, it wasn’t as easy as it was for you now. We were overwhelmed by the sudden change in our relationship and it was so awkward we barely could stay alone for too long.”

“How did you pass through it then ?” Yuto couldn’t help but ask.

“Time helped us to accustom ourselves with each other. After a while, the awkwardness calmed down and we get to be comfortable with each other’s presence once more. And it all went for the better after that.” Inoo told him with a fond smile.

“Hee~ Good for you.” Yuto commented shortly, happy on how things went for them.

And Yuto is happy for himself as well, because his relationship with Yamada became stronger as time went by. He felt his love growing each day, even if it sounded impossible at seeing on how he loves him too much already by now. But, the thing with Yamada is that, he never stopped surprising Yuto with every new sides he showed and these never failed to make Yuto fall deeper every single time.

But of course, even the bright blue sky has it’s dark time as well.

There will be times –usually after a rough day at work- when Yuto would snap at the simplest mistake Yamada makes. And the younger man would understand, giving Yuto space for himself, waiting until Yuto got back to his senses to engulf him in an apologetic embrace from behind, and they would cuddle all night long.

When Yamada is mad –which is a rare sight since Yamada doesn’t really get angry-, he tends to be emotional. After yelling at Yuto’s face to stop bothering him, he would suddenly cry and lock himself inside his room for a day. At this time, Yuto would constantly knock on his door, listening intently to Yamada’s response (while planning to break the damn door if Yamada doesn’t give any), and wait until the storm calmed down and Yamada would come out from his lair, eyes bloodshot and hair messy, muttering small apologizes in which Yuto would answer with an affectionate chuckle before pulling him to his chest, telling him silently that everything is going to be alright.

On the few chances the two of them got angry at the same time, a war would ensue and a series of yelling would come from the two of them simultaneously. The tears which decorated Yamada’s angered face gave a pang of guilt to Yuto’s heart, but during these times, he would be too angry and too proud to care. Yuto would then leave Yamada’s house (or his house if they happened to be in his) and leave Yamada alone (sometimes for a few days if he was really angry). When he got back though, he will have a rose bouquet in hands, and a lot of love confession in heart and Yamada –despite the ugly black circles around his eyes and the unusual paleness complexion- would smile his most beautiful smile and hug Yuto close and they will be okay again.

Today though, it’s somehow different from their usual pattern.

Yuto had invited Yamada for a lunch date, but the younger man doesn’t seem that cheerful when he came to the appointed place. Instead, he made a solemn look all day, despite all the jokes Yuto attempted to make. Yuto was wondering what it is that’s bothering him, if he somehow missed something and this made Yamada mad, but he couldn’t think of any. For all he knows, everything is good and Yamada’s sudden change of mood doesn’t make sense to him at all.

Until he figured out the reason behind Yamada’s sad and longing eyes a few hours later.

“Hello, Mum, Dad.” Yamada let out a serene whisper before he kneeled down in front of the cold tomb and made a prayer. “I brought someone with me today. Someone important.”

When Yamada asked Yuto to take him to a special place, he never thought that place would be Yamada’s parents’ tomb.

“He’s someone I love and cherish the most now, so I hope you will bless our relationship.” Yamada said after a while. “Please watch out for me from heaven, Mum, Dad.”

Yuto felt an indescribable feeling gushing inside his heart. The sight before him –it is so sad yet so endearing. What Yuto does next is more like of an instinct more than anything. He kneeled down next to Yamada and clasped his hands together, sending his own prayers to the deceased parents of his boyfriend.

“Yamada-san, please give me your permission to take care of Ryosuke from now on. We don’t know what the future has for us, but for now, I’m sure I want to spend my lifetime with Ryosuke. To grow old and love each other until death do us apart.” Yuto gave out a smile when Yamada turned to him, eyes showing surprise. “Ryosuke is someone I love the most, and I will give it my all to protect him from any harm. I will cherish him for he is the most important person to me.”

“Yuto-kun...”

“I love you, Ryosuke. And that will never change. That much I’m sure.”

And when the younger man launched himself to his chest, Yuto finally knew the meaning of happiness.

***

Yuto should have known better though, that happiness won’t last forever.

He heard the story one day, when he happened to come across Matsumoto-san at his workplace. Apparently, Aiba-san’s son is taking piano lesson there and the man himself couldn’t come to pick up his son and Matsumoto-san volunteered to do the job. Yuto offered the man to talk over coffee while waiting for Kazunari-kun. The class won’t be over until thirty minutes later, and Yuto has spare time to spend.

They were talking about trivial things. Of how Kazunari-kun made friends with Ohno-kun from the vocal class, or how he aced his piano test last week. And then out of the blue, Matsumoto-san’s face turned sour and he started talking in a melancholy voice.

“We still have some free time. Do you mind if I tell you a little story, Nakajima-san?”

Yuto shook his head slowly, giving the man his permission to go on.

“When the Yamada couple passed away, Ryosuke was still so little. Yet, the tragedy had to happen and left a permanent scar inside the boy’s heart.” Matsumoto-san’s eyes stared afar. “I still remember that night clearly like it happened yesterday. It was a quiet night at Eden Hall when we received a call from the hospital, telling us that the Yamada’s family had an accident.”

Yuto stayed silent as he listened to Matsumoto-san’s story intently, as the man closed his eyes as if memorizing every details, every seconds and words exchanged.

“You see…”

***

_\- Sixteen years ago –_

“It’s quiet tonight. Somehow, it’s sad.”

Jun let out a small chuckle at the dramatic sigh his bestfriend made. He surely has the tendency of dramatizising things. Though, he has a point that the quietness tonight somehow felt eerie.

“You know, MatsuJun. I heard there’s this jinx in Eden Hall that at a quiet night like this, something bad is abou tto occur.” Aiba said from across him, voice serious.

“It’s just a myth, Aiba-chan. And you surely read too many _manga_.” Jun shook his head as he wiped a glass clean.

“But it’s true! I heard it from the previous owner that it’s always like that on a quiet night like this!”

Jun is about to reprimand the man for being silly when the phone rang and Aiba practically jump with a yelp.

“I told you!”

“It’s just a phonecall, Aiba-chan.” Jun let out a tired sigh as he reached for the phone. “Good evening. This is Bar Eden Hall. How may we help you ?”

“Good evening. I’m from Nagano Ward Hospital, may I speak with Aiba Masaki-san ?”

Jun formed a frown before he told the man on the phone to wait as he handed the phone to Aiba who is as confused as he is.

“Hello. This is Aiba Masaki. How may I help you?” He heard Aiba say before his face frowned as the man on the phone told him something, only sometimes offering small _Yes_ es before he ended the call with a soft ‘I understand. Thank you.’

“What’s wrong, Aiba-chan ?” Jun asked the man in worry because from the look in Aiba’s face, he knew it was not something good.

“It’s my sister, Jun.” And Jun knew it was worse than he had imagined because Aiba had called him by his given name only. “She...she died.”

\---

It was Jun who then decided to close the bar for the night and then drove Aiba to the hospital. It was Jun who listened and answered the police’s inquiry while Aiba only sat by the corner, head hung low and refusing to say anything. It was Jun who told both the hospital personnel and the police officer that he will take care of things for the time being. It was Jun who stayed by Aiba’s side that night as he mourned over the loss of his sister –the only family he has left- who died a tragic death along with her husband.

It was supposed to be the Yamada family’s happy vacation in a long while. Yamada Susumu, Aiba’s sister’s husband, is a well-known politician with a tight schedule. That’s why, when he finally got a rare day off, he wanted to spend it with his family.

“Ryosuke won’t stop bugging me about that. Saying that his Daddy won’t play with him anymore.” Jun remembered Ryosuke’s father telling Aiba just the other day.

But on their way, someone shot their car from afar, killing their driver first, sending their car out of control before it crashed by the roadside.

_“Mummy! Daddy, it hurts! ”_

_“It’ll be fine, son, it’ll be fine. I promise.”_

Another shot came, followed by another one.

_“Mummy, I’m scared. Daddy-“_

 

_“Shh, Ryosuke.. It’s okay, darling. Mum is here.”_

It was Ryosuke’s mother, despite the pain and anything else, who called for an ambulance to save his one and only child.

_“Ryo- Ryosuke- p-please save him! Please s-save my- my son!”_

The police told Jun that Ryosuke’s mother died cradling her son under her arms –just like a guardian angel.

Aiba said nothing during the whole thing. And just like that, without a word, he left. Muttering a rushed apology, Jun went to follow Aiba who seemed like he’s walking aimlessly only to find out that he was heading for Ryosuke’s room, and sat by the bedside, gripping the boy’s arm in his.

“At the very least, Ryosuke-kun is saved. That much, we should be thankful.”

But the only response he received was the tightening of Aiba’s hold on Ryosuke’s sleeping one. Aiba still refused to say a word and Jun sighed. He could only wish that Ryosuke won’t be that affected over his parents’ death.

But of course, being as young as Ryosuke is, and to have witnessed such cruelty will affect you. When morning rises, and Ryosuke start to open his eyes, the first thing he asked for is his parents.

“Where’s my Mummy and Daddy ?”

“Ryosuke, dear- I’m- they… Everything is going to be alright, okay ?” Aiba tried, with an awkward smile as he came closer to Ryosuke’s figure.

But the boy start trashing and screaming around uncontrollably, crying for his Mummy and Daddy.

“No ! I want my Mummy and Daddy ! I want them here right now !”

“Oh, Ryosuke…”

Aiba could only hold him close, whispering sweet nothing to his ears, trying to calm him down and refusing the offer of the doctor to inject Ryosuke with more sedative, telling them that he has everything under control.

And he does.

Because over an hour later, after Ryosuke had exhausted his vocal chords and energy, he fell limp in Aiba’s arms, letting out small hiccups every once in a while. Aiba kept on stroking his back, murmuring a broken lullaby to calm the boy down.

“I want my Mummy and Daddy... I don’t want to be alone…”

“Hush, sweetie. You’re not alone. You have me and Jun-kun here with you. You are not alone.” Aiba whispered softly to Ryosuke’s ears, as he watched the boy’s eyes fluttered to a close, before he fell into a tired sleep and that’s when Aiba looked up to see Jun for the first time since they heard the news. And he flashed him a tired yet warm smile. “Thank you, Jun. For staying with us.”

Jun smiled back as he leaned forward to help Aiba lay Ryosuke on the bed.

“What are you saying ? Of course I’d stay with you. We’re bestfriends, aren’t we ?”

And as Aiba nodded, despite everything, Jun knew that he’s going to be okay.

\---

“Ryosuke-kun might have suffered from a mental breakdown. You know, after what the boy had witnessed and everything, and considering his age and mental stability, we could only expect as much.” Ryosuke’s doctor told Jun and Aiba one day. “You might want to ask for some professional help to make sure that his condition won’t go for the worst.”

It was right after the police contacted them that they had caught the Yamada couple’s murderer, and asked them to listen to what the culprit has to say. And Jun, knowing that Aiba won’t say anything without being asked, questioned the man of what he will do, and the man only gave him a solemn smile.

“Is it too much too ask if I want you to go to listen the culprit’s testament, Jun ?”

Jun threw him a look in which Aiba just smile.

“I will stay with Ryosuke instead. He needs someone by his side now more than ever. And-“

“And ?”

“Seeing the murderer now would just make it harder for me. I don’t know whether I could forgive the culprit or not, but I know that holding onto the grudge won’t change the fact that my sister and her husband has died. That’s why, I- I just want to let it go. In hope that it will be easier for me to move on with my life. And for Ryosuke, too.”

Jun’s eyes softened. He followed Aiba to the bench where the two of them sat, a can of coffee each.

“What are you going to do with Ryosuke ?” Jun asked, voice soft.

“I will take care of him. This incident has affected him more than it affected me. It has changed him. The future that lies ahead of him won’t be easy. This will leave him traumatized for life and will leave a huge scar within him. He might end up a hopeless case, and yet, I still want to take care of him. I want to raise him strong. No matter what, I won’t give up on him, even when he’s giving up with himself, I swear to God I won’t. I know I can never replace his parents, but at the very least, I want to show him that he’s not alone.”

Jun felt a sense of pride blooming inside him at what Aiba said. The man had always acted much younger than his age, never seem to take things seriously. Always so foolish and childish. But he knew better that Aiba was everything but childish.

“And you should know that you’re not alone in this either, Aiba-chan. I’m here with you.”

“Yeah.” A small smile is formed on Aiba’s slightly pale lips. “Thank you, MatsuJun.”

\---

In the end, it was only Jun who went to the Yamada couple’s murderer’s trial. Ryosuke wasn’t allowed to go, of course, one because he’s still too young, and the other reason was because Aiba didn’t want to implant more bad memories in him by letting him get close to the things which might reminded him of his parents’ death. Especially now that the boy is finally gradually getting better. Aiba didn’t attend the trial either, because he had decided to let go and seeing the face of the culprit now would only waver his decision. But Jun had went to the trial. Just because.

What came to his sight was nothing like Jun’s imagination. He had imaged the murderer to be big and scary-looking, or at least having this malicious look as he was dragged to the trial room. Jun, however, never expected a young boy, perhaps only a few years older than Ryosuke himself, to step into the room, face nervous and guilty.

“Do you admit to the crime of murdering Yamada Susumu, Yamada Narumi, and also their driver Takada Akira ?”

The young boy gulped in nervousness before voicing a shaky, “Yes” to the whole room.

Angry whispers could be heard echoing in the trial room as soon as the boy admitted his crime. And none of them is processed in Jun’s head. He only has his focus on the boy the whole time. Of how he would look down in shame, or how he would play with the hem of his shirt when he feels someone is looking accusingly his way, and the many little things the boy does during his silent time.

“Silence!” The judge raised his voice to calm the audience down. “Will you tell me the reason as to why you did it?” He addressed the boy again.

“I,” The boy paused for a moment, as if hesitating, before he gulped one big air once more to reassure himself. “I was told by my boss, my caretaker to kill them.”

“Your boss?”

“Yes, Sir.” The boy nodded his head. “I’m an orphan. I was left on the street years ago after my parents died. When I was on the verge of dying, I was rescued by my boss and was taken under his custody. He gave me food and shelter, provided me with education, and trained me to be an assassin, which I never knew until he told me to kill someone one day.”

“And you obliged?”

“Yes.” The boy nodded again. “He threatened me that he will kill me and throw me away if I didn’t listen to his order. So I did what he told me to do, even though I didn’t want to, in order to save my own life. I killed people in order to survive.”

“Why did you turn yourself in now then ?”

“Because I saw a boy. When my boss told me to kill the Yamada family, I saw a boy. And that boy reminded me of my own self in the past, and suddenly, I just can’t do it anymore. I already pulled the trigger for the father and the mother, and for the boy too, but the last bullet didn’t hit him because his mother protected him. I could have shot another bullet, but I didn’t, I couldn’t. So I left instead. And I just, I can’t do it anymore, the killing, it hurts, the guilt is killing me inside, it never left.” The boy looked down, and the judge made a contemplating look at his statement.

“Name your boss, young boy. Can you ?”

The boy simply nodded his head.

“I already told the police before.” The boy took a deep breath before continuing. “His name is Nakajima Atsushi, the leader of an underground syndicate who did many other dirty works aside from assassination.”

***

“In the end, the boy was sentenced for ten years at a Juvenile out of town, and the rest of the syndicate is captured and sent to jail soon after. The case is closed and settled by then, but Masaki and Ryosuke’s struggles was still far from over. It took Ryosuke a couple of years to stop having panic attacks at nights, and it took him another couple of years to be able to smile again. Our line of works, thankfully, had brought him to his passion and he finally found his dream again.”

Matsumoto-san ended his story with a long sigh, eyes wandered to the flower fields outside the window.

“I believe you figured out the rest, Nakajima-san. And please know, I’m not telling you this to harm you or anything, it’s just, I feel like you need to know the truth. Both of you.”

Yuto said nothing as he let the words sink as many thoughts start appearing inside his mind.

“I will take my leave for today, Nakajima-san. See you.”

And as Matsumoto-san stood from his seat, welcoming the half-running Kazunari-kun with a wide smile, was when Yuto realized that the class is over. That also happens to be the time, that Yuto realized, just how much he’s doomed.

*End Of Chapter 3*


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He finally find his happiness. But will his happiness last? Or will the nightmare of his past haunt him and ruin his happiness?

Walking back to Yamada’s apartment seemed like a hard chore for Yuto that day. But Yamada had invited him for dinner and Yuto doesn’t have the heart to cancel. With heavy steps, and a heavier heart, Yuto dragged his feet to the familiar path.

It was drizzling when Yuto arrived at Yamada’s doorstep. Forcing a smile at Yamada’s bright one, the words Matsumoto-san left started echoing inside his head. The two shared a meal that night –a delicious carbonara pasta Yamada learnt from Matsumoto-san. Yamada led most of the conversation, but Yuto was sure he noticed Yuto’s weird mood because he sighed as he drop his fork on the plate.

“What’s wrong, Yuto-kun ? You don’t seem well tonight. Are you feeling sick ?”

Yuto made a small smile to ease Yamada’s worry.

“I’m fine. Just a little tired. Don’t worry.” Yuto tried to convince the younger man but he himself wasn’t convinced by his words.

“But-“

“Say, Ryosuke. If you were to meet the one who had took your parents’ life, what would you do ?”

Yamada looked taken aback by the sudden question. How could he not ? Yuto was suddenly blurting a weird question out of the blue.

“Yuto-kun, what are you--?”

“Can you please just answer my question ?” Yuto cut his words the second time, unable to look at Yamada properly.

A long sigh came from Yamada’s direction and Yuto knew that Yamada is contemplating.

“I don’t know, Yuto-kun. Honestly, I really don’t know. It was all in the past and I really don’t want to be dragged by the past. But- “ Yamada sounded he’s hesitating. “But I’m not sure whether I had forgiven him or not. It’s just, it was so hard for me and I was suddenly left by myself. I didn’t know what to do and I still don’t. I just, I just want to let it go and move on with my life, because clinging onto it hurts, and I’m tired of feeling hurt.”

A cold dreading feeling washed over Yuto the instant Yamada’s eyes looked down in sorrow. He wants to cut this conversation short and forget it forever, but Yuto came back to this town, to the place where he was born, for a reason. And Yuto had made a vow to himself that he won’t back out on it.

Taking a deep breath, Yuto clutched onto his heart tightly, preparing himself for the other man’s reaction.

“Ryosuke, there is, there is something I need to tell you.”

Yuto looked up and saw Ryosuke’s eyes shooting him a look that says he has something to say too, but decided to wait for Yuto first.

“I, I’m not who you think I am.” Yuto said nervously, and when Ryosuke showed confusion, he continued. “I was not always the Nakajima Yuto you came to know. I, I was a bad guy, Ryosuke, a very bad guy.”

“Yuto-kun ? What are you trying to say ?” Ryosuke asked, voice so soft as he looked into Yuto’s eyes gently.

“I had a past I have yet to tell you. A past I’d rather bury deep. A reason as to why I left this town many years ago, and why I decided to come back.” Yuto closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to calm his racing heart. “I was a murderer.”

Yuto could feel rather than see Yamada’s eyes bulging at his sudden revelation, before Yamada broke out into a nervous laugh.

“What kind of a joke you are saying, Yuto-kun ? You scared me for a moment there.”

Yuto then opened his eyes, carefully looking up and catched Yamada’s gaze with his.

“I’m not joking, Ryosuke. I was once a murderer.”

Yamada fell into silence after that, as if refusing to process the words coming from Yuto. And so Yuto decided to spill the bomb.

“I was the one who killed your parents, Ryosuke.”

When Ryosuke gave him no response, Yuto dared himself to take a side glance and saw Yamada looking back at him, eyes unreadable.

“They told me I had to kill or I would be killed. I knew I shouldn’t have accepted their offer, that I should just let myself be killed rather than having to kill others, but I can’t. I was just a kid, I was too coward to die. And so I said yes.”

Yuto closed his eyes, the sound of the rain echoing inside his head.

“The reason why I returned here was to find the boy whose parents I had murdered, and tell him I was sorry, that if I could, I would turn back the time to undo everything. I, I just never expected that boy to be, to be the exact person I fell in love with. I, Ryosuke, I really am sorry. I know a lifetime won’t be enough to mend the scar I had left you, but I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I really am.”

Yuto couldn’t bear to look into Yamada’s eyes, instead focusing his gaze at the hem of his shirt. Yamada has yet to say a word after Yuto’s story, and he can’t help the building up fear inside him.

“Did you- did you came to me with that intention from the very first time ? To win my heart so I won’t, can’t be mad at you after knowing it all ?”

At Yamada’s words after the long silence, Yuto snapped his head up, shaking it furiously.

“No, no ! I, I never thought like that ! Our first meeting, it was pure coincidence ! I never knew you were that boy until today ! Please trust me ! I, I never thought of using your feelings like that ! And my feelings, my love for you is real !”

But Yuto could only see coldness in Yamada’s eyes. And that’s when he realized that Yamada has given up on him.

“I know I don’t deserve your love. Not anymore, after everything that happened. And, and it’s completely okay if you want to break up with me, I understand. I really do. It’s just, I just want you to know that I truly fell in love with you, and, and I want you to know how much I’m sorry for everything. I, I-“

But Yamada stood up abruptly from his seat without letting Yuto finish his words. And without even sparing him a single look, Yamada left.

“I need some fresh air. When I get back, I want you gone already. Please.”

The last ‘please’ Yamada uttered broke Yuto’s heart. It was not because of the fact that Yamada had just dumped him. It was because Yuto could feel how much Yamada is hurt from that one word, it’s like saying it is tearing himself apart. It was because Yuto could see the tears which fell from his eyes as he passed by Yuto. And Yuto knew he’s the reason why Yamada cried.

“Oh, God.”

***

It looks like the rain from his last encounter with Yamada is continuing inside Yuto’s heart. Despite the blazing sun out there, Yuto felt the damp and gloomy rain never leaving him. He packed his stuff from Yamada’s apartment that night, and left the house with a note of ‘I’m sorry’ stucked carefully on Yamada’s fridge. He stopped coming to Eden Hall too. And he practically stopped smiling ever since.

“You can’t make such a face when teaching the kids, you know.” Inoo let out a tired sigh after his many attempts to cheer Yuto’s mood up. His senior has yet to know the reason, but he had figured out that his relationship with Yamada is over the moment his eyes locked onto Yuto’s lifeless one. “Why don’t you take a leave ? You know, to mend your heart or something.”

But Yuto can’t.

“I’m fine, Inoo-chan. Don’t worry.” It was fake because he was not okay and never will be.

Two weeks had passed since he last saw and heard from Yamada, and he’s still as messed up as he was the day he told the man the truth. He tried to keep his routine as usual though, minus his weekly visit to Eden Hall and the frequent meetings with Yamada. He’s currently scanning through his mails when he found an unusual envelope from the pack. Creasing his forehead, Yuto carefully open the envelope and pulled out a few papers with a neat handwritting he could recognize anywhere.

It’s Yamada’s.

Feeling his heartbeat increasing and droplets of cold sweat rolling down his forehead, Yuto sat himself on the couch before reading the letters carefully.

_‘Dear Nakajima Yuto-sama,_

_I’m sorry for leaving abruptly that day, but the news was too overwhelming I was at lost at what to do. It still felt unreal to me even now, and honestly, I’m still not sure of what I feel towards you now after I had heard your story._

_You see, despite the passing years, I still find myself unable to forgive the one who had killed my parents. While true that I decided to let it go, the scar is still too raw and too painful for me. I had willed myself to forget, but I still can’t bring myself to forgive._

_That’s why it’s harder for me now. Because I love you, so much that it hurts. And yet, at the same time, after knowing the truth, I can’t see you in the face without feeling my heart break. It hurts all the more, because I want to hate my parents’ killer, yet I can’t, because it’s you._

_I just can’t hate you. I had cried myself to sleep every night after that night to force myself to hate you, but I can’t. But I also can’t stay by your side anymore after knowing the truth. Because being with you, it feels like I’m betraying my parents, betraying myself..._

_That night, I actually had something to tell you as well. A friend of Masaki-kun was hired to be the chief bartender at a prestigious hotel in France. And he offered me to come with him as his apprentice. I told him to give me time, because I wanted to discuss it with you first, because I didn’t want to leave you. But now, now I made my mind. I will take his offer and come with him to France. I need this. My feelings are all over the place and I need the time and space to be alone and re-arrange my heart. I need to be away from you, to mend my heart. Because being here with you, I just keep getting reminded of the past I wanted to bury. And everything is just too confusing. With you, I just don’t know what to do anymore._

_That’s why I decided to leave. Please respect my decision and don’t look for me._

_I don’t regret our meeting, and what follows after that. If anything, I’m thankful to you. You had taught me so many things, took me to explore a world I have yet to see before. And please, you don’t have to feel guilty anymore. You’ve paid for your sins and you’ve suffered enough. What I do now is just me trying to find an answer for myself. And I’m sorry if I had left you hurting._

_Lastly, I believe in you when you said that your love was true. Because I know, that the love I felt is not fake. And I want you to know, that I love you too. Please don’t hold onto me after I leave. Find your own happiness, because you deserve it._

_In the future, if fate decided us to meet and be together again, I hope by that time, I’m already prepared to forgive. I hope by that time, I can see you as the you I came to love without complicated feelings involved._

_But if we are not meant to be together, I hope both of us could accept it wholeheartedly. Because perhaps, we are not the right one for each other. Because perhaps, this is for the best._

_Please take care of yourself, may God blesses our way always._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Yamada Ryosuke’_

***

“You can still stop him from leaving, you know.”

Yuto made a smile, and shook his head slowly.

“It’s his decision. I have no right to stop him.”

“But you can still _pursue_ him.”

“I want to…” Yuto bit his lips, trying hard to stop himself from breaking. “But I can’t. I just can’t.”

“You’re just hurting him this way. And yourself.”

Yuto shook his head, a soft chuckle coming from his lips.

“Ryosuke will move on from me. He’s strong, I know he will. And I believe, that he’s better off without me. I will only hurt him more if I stay by his side.” Yuto sighed deeply. “I deserve this. I deserve worse, after what I’ve done.”

“Yuto…”

“Inoo-chan, thank you for everything. For all your support. I, I will never forget you. Never.”

“Yuto, what- ?”

But Yuto left no room for the older man to continue. He left before Inoo could finish his sentence. He had made his mind. Now that he has finished his unfinished business (the reason he came here for), Yuto only have one last place to go to before leaving.

“Good evening.”

Yuto figured that Aiba-san had known already even before Matsumoto-san told him everything, and he wondered as to why the man didn’t say anything to him at all.

“Good evening, Nakajima-sama. May I take your order for the night ?” Aiba-san gave him his usual warm smile as he handed the small hand towel.

“Your recommendation, please.” Yuto said softly, smiling back as his eyes caught a sight of Matsumoto-san on the other side of the counter, eyeing him closely from afar.

“Very well, Sir.”

Aiba-san then started to mix various kind of drinks before pouring his creation to the glass and slide it over to Yuto’s side.

“It’s called XYZ, Sir.”

“XYZ ?”

“Yes. The name consists three last letters in alphabet, meaning that there is no other better creation than this one. In another meaning, this drink also means the end of one’s journey.” Aiba-san explained to him, and Yuto could see how it relates to himself. “But if we try to see it from a different point of view, an end could also mean a new beginning. Without an end, you cannot start another journey.”

An ironic smile rose on Yuto’s lips.

“Yes. It’s just as you said, Aiba-san. The end also means a new beginning. It’s just, the journey I’m about to enter is not like what you might have expected it would be. In another meaning, perhaps, this new beginning is also the end for me.”

Yuto looked up from his glass before taking a sip.

“It’s delicious, Aiba-san. Thank you. For this, and for everything. Even after everything I’ve done, you still, I, thank you. It’s your kindness this world needs. Your kindness must have saved many souls up until now, including mine. Please, keep on saving many souls with your kindness.”

Yuto stood up while placing his bill on the counter. Taking a side glance, he send Matsumoto-san a smile, as a thank you too, for telling him the truth.

“I will take my leave. Goodbye.”

Yuto found himself staring aimlessly at the cherry blossom trees which had started to bloom on the park Ryosuke loves. The exact park he took Yamada with on his birthday, where they walked hand-in-hand under the beautiful pink petals fluttering around the sky. But to Yuto, the beautiful sight can’t match the beauty of Ryosuke’s smile by his side as he whispered a low _‘I love you’_ to Yamada’s ear and the man would blush furiously, muttering words Yuto could barely heard but made his heart flutter weirdly.

_“Yuto-kun, I love you too.”_

And Yuto knew that Yamada is his happiness.

And as he left, so did Yuto’s only happiness.

Pulling the small gun he had kept for years for this exact moment, Yuto smiled.

“Please find your happiness, Ryosuke. The happiness that is not me. Because you deserve something better –someone much better.”

Looking down at the crumbled paper in his clutch, Yuto let out an ironic smile.

“Thank you for your kindness. For the things you made me see. I, I will never forget you. I can’t. And my love for you will never cease. I will always pray for you, for your happiness, no matter where you are and with whom you are. Always.”

And Yuto could only cry.

“Goodbye, Yamada Ryosuke. My love. My life. My everything.”

Yuto lifted the gun to his head. He’s ready for this. He’d been ready the moment he decided to go to this town. He’d planned to do this since long. Prepared this one last bullet for this exact moment. For him to leave for good after finishing all his business in town. His decision which was long forgotten after his encounter with Ryosuke. The decision he remembered after _he_ left. The man whose life he had ruined.

And Yuto pulled the trigger.

“YUTO-KUN !”

Everything was like a blur to Yuto after that.

 

Yuto remembered pulling the trigger. But he also remembered someone calling his name and pushing his body to the ground, pulling the gun away from him. He felt more than remember, though, the bullet was released from the gun but there was no pain. He only felt an added weight fell on top of him. The strangely familiar weight and warmth he thought he would no longer feel.

“Ryosuke ?”

Yuto was in a daze. Ryosuke was supposed to be at the airport by now, waiting for his flight. Or at least, preparing to leave to the airport for his flight. Or anywhere else. This place was the last place Yuto expected Ryosuke to be.

“Yuto-kun, you stupid--!” The younger man tried to be intimidating, but his voice was clouded with something else, something Yuto remembered faintly from his dark past.

“Ryosuke, wha- ?”

“You’re stupid! Even after everything, I should hate you, but I can’t !” Ryosuke hissed and he seemed to be struggling from something. And that’s when Yuto felt a cold sensation on his stomach. And Yuto looked down to see-

“Ryosuke, what’s wrong ?”

But Yuto knew what happened.

“I don’t know if I forgive you or not. But, but I-“

“Ryosuke, stop talking ! I’ll call for some help right now !” Yuto fished out his phone to call for an ambulance, his hands shaking as he pushed the button.

“I know that I- I love you. B- but I’m sorry. I-“

_“I can’t be with you anymore.”_

“I…”

_“I just want you to know that I never regret our meeting. The moments I spent with you, they are my treasures.”_

“I….”

_“But I have to leave now. I have to leave now so I-“_

“Y-Yu-to…”

_”You’re a kind man. And you always deserve happiness.”_

“No, Ryosuke, no !” Yuto wailed, tears streaming his face as Ryosuke’s body fell limp in his arms. “No, no, no ! Please hang on, Ryosuke ! Ryosuke !”

Yuto cried as he buried his face deep in Ryosuke’s chest, calling out his name until his voice was hoarse.

“No, Ryosuke ! I love you, I love you, please don’t do this to me ! No !”

And the last thing Yuto remembered was Yamada’s warmth slowly leaving him.

***

It is a work of fate. Though he was never one to believe in such words.

He never wanted this. All of these. When he returned to this town after years, he never expected this to happen. He never expected things to go _this_ way.

Or not.

Perhaps deep inside him, he knew this would have happened sooner or later. Perhaps, that was why he came back. He just never knew he would fall this deep, or that it would feel this painful.

“This is my atonement.”

He whispered to no one. Gripping the piece of paper in his hands tight, he closed his eyes. And so he lets go.

~~~The End~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fic is finally over!
> 
> To requester, I'm sorry if this doesn't fulfill your expectations.. I really hope I don't disappoint you!  
> Thanks for the superb prompt! I was having fun writing this fic..
> 
> To my beta, Joana, you're the best! I wouldn't make it without you!
> 
> To all mods, many cookies for you guys! Thank you for assigning me with this prompt and for answering my silly questions! You guys are awesome! ^^
> 
> Until we meet again everyone!


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